Unsatisfactory Software Misc
Crap Game Finder
List: [ 1996 | 1997 | 1998 | 1999 | 2000 | 2001 | 2002 | 2003 | 2004 | 2005 | 2006 | 2007 | 2008 | 2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 ]

Crap Game Finder


Match as keywords Only show titles
Winning Entries
Download CSSCGC archives

Search Results

Author search: Equinox

Crap Football
AuthorEquinox Tetrachloride
FilenameCRAPFOOT.TAP
Year2000
PositionNo ranking
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionNo description
CommentsIT'S GOT BLOODY FMV!

What were you thinking, man? You can't go entering things with actual FMV into the CSSCGC! This level of professionalism makes me want to puke my guts up and then jump up and down on them until all my dinner has squished out the ends of the slithery tubes!

And it gets worse! There's icons and all that kinda' gubbins as well! I've seen full price releases that look shoddier than this!

Excuse me, I'm going to have to go off and have a sit down. This is too damn disturbing!


Pear-Shaped
AuthorEquinox Tetrachloride
FilenamePEARSHAP.TAP
Year2000
PositionNo ranking
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionNo description
CommentsMy friend's mum once described me as being "Spastic and pear-shaped", y'know. Now, I'll admit that's a terribly un-PC thing to say, but she was a school nurse so I think they're allowed make nasty comments like that because they spend their days doing icky things like searching for nits and the like. Hmm...

Anyway, the game... Well, I'm shocked to say that it's actually a lot of fun, and I played it for a full three minutes or so until my MTV generation attention span kicked in and made me lose interest (I was also trapped in the maze as well, as this screenshot demonstrates - still, I got 36 pears!). But three minutes is three minutes too many and so I'm afraid the game can't win. However I do see a promising future for Equin0x in the genuine games industry, as long as he can suppress his need to make his games playable! Ho ho ho!

Hang on, I work in the games industry! *PUNCH!* Ow!


Alex In Town
AuthorEquinox Tetrachloride
Filenamealextown.tap
Year2001
PositionNo ranking
Format128K
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionNo description
CommentsI have mixed feelings about this one; this is edging a touch too close to the 'genuinely too good' minefield, and well worth a play.

PROS: Look, loads of bloody colour and billions of really quite nicely-drawn screens, people moving around, things that go up and down and crush you, a scary ghost, 128K music and vaguely compelling jumpy-puzzles.

CONS: Very slovenly controls (a platform game which can't acknowledge two keys together -- great!), some really sparse screens, incredibly mundane setting and, I'd swear, an insoluable phone-box puzzle. That I can't think of much worse to say about the game doesn't bode well for its craptitude ranking.

Conclusion: Has that wonderful air of 'game the author never really got around to finishing or actually making interesting' that many speccy games posessed, but moreso. Still distressingly pro-ey.


Biggest Number Wins
AuthorEquinox Tetrachloride
FilenameBIGGEST.TAP
Year2001
PositionNo ranking
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionNo description
CommentsThis couldn't possibly have begun to be fun even without the computer cheating.

Brickless Arkanoid
AuthorEquinox Tetrachloride
FilenameBrikless.tap
Year2001
PositionNo ranking
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionNo description
CommentsSuch a simple corruption of not one but two classic games! You can think of this as either 'Brickless Arkanoid' or 'Pong With Your Head Tilted To One Side'. Wonderful.

Super Zite World
AuthorEquinox Tetrachloride
Filenamezite.tap
Year2001
PositionNo ranking
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionNo description
CommentsAfter the dangerously 'okay' Alex In Town debacle (see below), Equinox returns to safer ground with another platformer, Super Zite World. Zite shares many of the positive attributes of Alex and even eliminates some of the main annoyances such as the general speed and keyboard response time, and yet somehow manages to be appreciably less interesting for quite unobvious reasons.

Falling
AuthorPaul Equinox Collins
FilenameFalling.tzx Falling.z80
Year2004
Position1
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionEver wondered what Splat (by Incentive) would be like on the ZX81? Now imagine it with colours and beeps too!!! Unfortunately, this is in fact a Spectrum game and won't work on the ZX81.

Naturally, no instructions were provided with this game, so I suppose I better point out that you can only move left (press O) or right (press P). Guide your 'falling' asterix and avoid the red blocks and eat the yellow O's (the author has now pointed out that these are in fact coins - so why didn't you just make them LOOK like coins then, Mr Collins, hmmm?). After about five seconds, the game difficulty increases somewhat when it becomes apparant that you have to also avoid the white blocks - this makes the game a bit tricky and extremely unaddictive!

When the game ends, the program STOPs. RUN will not work (remarkable protection code here). If you decide you want to play again, simply reset your emulator and load the game again.

CommentsNote that the winning game ('Falling') surely only won because I stupidly didn't put a blank option at the top of the poll's drop-down selection box, so a few people would've hit the VOTE button accidentally before selecting their favourite game from the list (and thus voting for Falling by default)! Ah well, that's democracy for ya...

Infrinja
AuthorPaul Equinox Collins
FilenameInfrinja.tzx Infrinja.z80
Year2004
Position36
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionHere's Eq's second entry this year, and the first one to include a link to his rather excellent website (www.cl4.org). This is probably because his previous entry was so obscenely rushed in order to be this year's first CGC entry that it didn't even have a title screen to plug it on (or loading screen either). Infrinja is a somewhat more polished effort, but the concept alone is so crapworthy that the whole shebang is guaranteed to crash and burn, regardless of programming efficiency.

It's an evil world out there. Every day, millions of snotty undesirables are breaking the law in the most heinous ways imaginable. Despite piracy being punishable by death in many countries (true), these scumbags continue to surf the high seas of the internet, robbing those who really need the cash. It is an UNDISPUTABLE FACT that every single song downloaded for "free" (spit!) costs shareholde...erm, costs our heroes like Michael Jackson THOUSANDS of lawye.. errr, dollars. And that's all money that he could be passing on to the children! It's time to ELIMINATE these bastards once and for all, heal the world and save it from these music murderers.

Thank the almighty that The Red Cross is here to save the day! Fresh from saving a few million pointless lives in a few war zones, the organisation has now diverted its attention to a far more urgent crisis. You control The Red Cross as they bravely BLOCK the downloads and SAVE the music from being killed. The situation is already clearly desperate, as there appear to be only fifty music tracks left in the whole world! You must not allow a single track to be completely downloaded (not even YMCA) or the consequences would be unimaginable (i.e. the game will end)...

Of course, saving the music industry is a never-ending battle. So, for the sake of realism, the game is naturally never-ending too. Despite the controls being extremely unresponsive (presumably the evil downloading hackers jamming your system), it's piss easy to play (no increase in difficulty throughout) so the only thing preventing you going on forever is that the whole game is UTTERLY TEDIOUS BEYOND BELIEF. I managed to score about 3,000 points before I could stand no more. The most amusement I got was from trying to zap all the crappy pop-tat tracks I hate (e.g. Kylie) and letting the screen fill up with the decent ones like Autechre, Boards Of Canada, Aphex Twin and of course Radiohead (ahem) but the novelty of this was not immense and did not sustain me for long.

To summarise, this is an example of crap gaming at it's finest. Eq has few equals when it comes to the consistently low standards of his CSSCGC entries over the years. Watch and learn, crapsters!

CommentsNo comments

keywORd ATtack
AuthorPaul Equinox Collins
FilenamekeywORdATtack.tzx keywORdATtack.z80
Year2004
Position20
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionThis is about as fun as doing school homework. Not much good on an emulator either, as modern-day PCs do not tend to have Spectrum keywords printed on the keyboard.

Although these keywords, erm, keywORds are supposed to be atta... er, ATtacking the player, they seem rather docile to me. In fact, they don't do anything but sit there on the screen whilst a timer counts down. Con!

CommentsNo comments

LiveJournal: The Game
AuthorPaul Equinox Collins
FilenameLiveJournalTheGame.tzx LiveJournalTheGame.z80
Year2004
Position36
FormatSpectrum
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
Description(Guest crap review by 'mel the bell')

Welcome to the murky world of online live journals.... try if you dare.

LiveJournal is like a shortened version of one of these old classic Speccy games Rockstar Ate My Hamster or Football Manager. In this game you have to build up as many friends as you can in 10 weeks by pressing Y for yes or N for no to the online scenarios it asks.

LiveJournal is of an adult nature with swearing, pregnancy, rape and gothic undertones mentioned in most scenarios. The game seems to use the same scenarios but even when you know the correct answer and type yes the bast has changed the answer and you lose, how infuriating and crap.

To be quite honest, there's only 10 scenarios with 2 possible answers and a couple of random answers it could be so on my second ever attempt I did end with 73 friends (hmm more than imaginary friends in real life then). Right, that's enough of that - NEXT??

CommentsNo comments

Ninety Nine
AuthorEquinox
Filename0314000405NinetyNine.zip
Year2012
Position25
Format48K
Download Archive
Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc
DescriptionHere's a card game for CSSCGC 2012.Warning: produced in a factory that uses DEF FN.Eq.
CommentsWow, an actual game! And a card game! And a good one too! And plays ok! With AI and everything. And music.There is nothing wrong with this game, clever, playable, nice looking. Very clean, it even uses user defined functions to make it even neater (and slower possibly).Totally awesomely crap!


Matched 11 records out of 1017 currently indexed.