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How To Write...
The Professionals
CGC 2007
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Position search: 1
| Erotic Pinball |
| Author | Chris Young |  |
| Filename | ep.tap |
| Year | 2000 |
| Position | 1 (Game) |
| Format | Spectrum |
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| Description | No description |
| Comments | Phwoar! Will you look at the badly digitised nips on that! Well, maybe if you squint you can see them but it's the thought that counts. Behind this dodgy front screen lies a truly awful pinball game with possibly the least realistic ball handling (oo-er!) since, well, any commercially released pinball game on the Speccy. Well done! This is a hot contender for the crown! |
| Fire Electric Pen |
| Author | Joe Mackay |  |
| Filename | firepen.tap |
| Year | 2001 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | Spectrum |
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| Description | The CSSCGC Panel Of Judges, when we can focus on the screen through our collective gin-soaked hazes, does enjoy an unhealthily moist chuckle at the CSSCGC genre of 'dull concepts turned into unplayable games'. So we were rubbing our dry, wrinkled hands together at the prospect of playing a computerized version of that 'real world' (shiver) game where you have to unshakily guide a hoop of metal along a wire from start to finish without touching the wire, closing the circuit, sounding a buzzer and making the old lady burst into flames (my memory might be faulty on the 'buzzer' part). As it happens, the desperation of the Japanese games industry is, as they say, even stranger than the CSSCGC. Now the translation team who brought you 'Stop The Express' releases a long-overdue port of this N64 'classic' to the ZX Spectrum, with all the baffling and disarming Japanese charm that has made them the market-crushers they are today. As they say in the land of the rising sun: bon appetit! |
| Comments | Judge Adam: This polished entry strikes the delicate balance between overt crapness and just enough attention payed to implementation to get your joke across in stages. The game combines disarming Engrish with a fundamentally appalling idea realized very frustratingly but playable enough for the victim to play to the point where he gets slapped on the head by the author, exclaims 'GUH!' and feels like an idiot for almost beginning to take the game seriously for a few minutes.
Good going. |
| Millionaire |
| Author | Chris Young |  |
| Filename | millionaire.tap |
| Year | 2002 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | Spectrum |
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| Description | It's amazing what a digitised picture can do to make a crap game look good, even when it doesn't involve tits.
True to form, in this implementation of ITV's hit game show (you agree that you are not a copyright lawyer), the answer you're sure about never seems to be the right one, and the audience knows nothing.
Be aware that Chris Tarrant is a finicky sod who will not hesitate to disqualify you for answering in lower case. That said, he sometimes wants a lower-case letter or even a digit. |
| Comments | Chris Young is no stranger to crap, and has been crap himself for several years. Who could fail to forget his CGC 2000 winner, the seminal Erotic Pinball?
This year's winner, Millionaire, is riddled with so many amateurish bugs that I suspect a radical compression algorithm has been used. Unmusical, unforgiving, and basically random in every way, it will have you "phoning a friend" in tears before you even reach the ?400 mark.
Congratulations! |
| Falling |
| Author | Paul Equinox Collins |  |
| Filename | Falling.tzx Falling.z80 |
| Year | 2004 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | Spectrum |
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| Description | Ever wondered what Splat (by Incentive) would be like on the ZX81? Now imagine it with colours and beeps too!!! Unfortunately, this is in fact a Spectrum game and won't work on the ZX81. Naturally, no instructions were provided with this game, so I suppose I better point out that you can only move left (press O) or right (press P). Guide your 'falling' asterix and avoid the red blocks and eat the yellow O's (the author has now pointed out that these are in fact coins - so why didn't you just make them LOOK like coins then, Mr Collins, hmmm?). After about five seconds, the game difficulty increases somewhat when it becomes apparant that you have to also avoid the white blocks - this makes the game a bit tricky and extremely unaddictive! When the game ends, the program STOPs. RUN will not work (remarkable protection code here). If you decide you want to play again, simply reset your emulator and load the game again. |
| Comments | Note that the winning game ('Falling') surely only won because I stupidly didn't put a blank option at the top of the poll's drop-down selection box, so a few people would've hit the VOTE button accidentally before selecting their favourite game from the list (and thus voting for Falling by default)! Ah well, that's democracy for ya... |
| Celebrity Arses |
| Author | Crapman |  |
| Filename | cel.tap |
| Year | 2006 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | Spectrum |
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| Description | Well why not? We've had Celebrity-everything-else. Crapman seems to have had altogether too much fun writing this game, although I bet he hopes that no-one checks his Temporary Internet Files! Mercifully he didn't include any male celebrity posteriors. I'm too lazy to check, but I think this could be our first machine code entry of the year. |
| Comments | Crap Factor: 7.5 Technical Ingenuity: 7.8 Achievement: 8.1 Fun: 8.2 Resulting in a combined total of 31.6 THE WINNER!!! |
| Dobsonic Defendor (Gold Edition) |
| Author | David Mackenzie |  |
| Filename | dd.tap |
| Year | 2007 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | Spectrum |
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| Description | According to the author, "It's a thrilling shoot-em-up loaded with over 4 weapons to choose from!" |
| Comments | Dobsonic Defendor describes itself as a "thrilling shoot-em-up with over 4 weapons." That's probably one of the most accurate descriptions issued to any of the crap games on offer this year. Taking it's cues from Space Invaders, you control your craft, the Dobsonic Defendor, with the O and P keys, and Space to fire. It's deceptively simple, and yet the depth and attention to detail is stunning. B+. Bad spelling aside, Dobsonic Defendor stood out because although it looks impressive (like a proper game!) it is in actual fact crap. It's got the best array of weapons ever seen (James Blunt! We all remember that weapon in Frogger) on any game (on pretty much any platform). It's also impossible to lose, has practical controls and pretty good aracde-style graphics. All that's missing is any kind of entertainment, which makes it very crap, considering what it could have been. |
| Ultimate First Communion Simulator |
| Author | Mojon Twins |  |
| Filename | ultimate-first-communion-simulator.tzx |
| Year | 2008 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | ZX Spectrum 48K |
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| Description | na_th_an tells me:- "Your goal is gain salvation. First walk in line to the church, trying to keep in line without crashing with your front or back pal. Then take communion from Mr. Parkinson pressing SPACE at time. And then, the longest gameplay in history! more than 67 years of gameplay, avoiding falling in the temptation of pressing SPACE to sin... If you manage to do that, you'll go to heaven. :D" |
| Comments | The winner of CSSCGC 2008 is a game that is fantastically crap! With vivid, colourful and detailed block graphics and gameplay and plot that just ooze originality. It's got a pretty wicked streak of humour too which caused much hilarity when played with office workmates. But, what makes it hilarious for me is the final message at what you think is the end of the game, telling the player that they are still in the game for another 67 years. In effect I am still playing it now! It has also unsurprisingly been reviewed by SnakeOilSteve in one of the earlier CSSCGC 2008 tape magazines. |
| Complete Useless Machine Simulator |
| Author | Dr. Beep |  |
| Filename | 37-Complete-Useless-Machine-Simulator/cums.tap |
| Year | 2010 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | 48K |
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| Description | Mr. Turing will be turning in is grave! |
| Comments | What we have here is a rather abstract take on a machine simulator. I know this because that is what it says on the screen. I couldn't have guess it through from the program itself. Maybe the most bizarre entry we have had so far and one that I am guessing probably not one that Dr. Beep lost sleep over.
Using your one solitary key (P), you control a lever which opens up a hatch in the black box. Emiting from the hatch is a pointy stick type thing which politely pushes the lever back to its initial position before retracting again, thus nicely bringing the box back into its intial state.
Inspired! (...not!) |
| Mathman |
| Author | unknown |  |
| Filename | 0122105156MATHMAN.zip |
| Year | 2012 |
| Position | 1 |
| Format | 48K |
| Download Archive |
| Visit this game's wiki page for player comments, docs, discussion etc |
| Description | Author provided no information for this game. |
| Comments | I waited patiently while the game is loading, for it`s the first and only entry for the time being. I watched the pixels fill the screen, then all this waiting ruined by next part of loading as it prints the program information over loading screen. I say this is a great start for a a crap game competition.The title screen is very descriptive of what`s going on. As I understand it`s a clash between golden tokens of hope and Math Goblins, as expected, totally unrelated to the game :)It`s a pacman clone with a math question at the end. It is this year`s first entry, but it`s already very crap game :) Only downside is it`s unbelievably slow. I will follow this entry to see if it picks up and sweet bellas.Wait, one last thing, the loader is broken and loading stops with an error message. Type RUN to start game after loading. |
Matched 19 records out of 1017 currently indexed.
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