Tim Vine's Jokes, Quotes and Catchphrases (or Tim Vine's Do-It-Yourself Quiz Show Page)

It's me, your host, Tim Vine!

"Hello and welcome to either Whittle or Fluke or BBC's Housemates with me your host, that's Tim Vine. You could end up becoming the Duke of Fluke or winning 500! Or something to do with a house! That's a lot of money!/Buy a bigger wallet!/Did you hold up a bank or what?/In all probability it won't be me!"

"Are you ready to be Whittled? Whittle away!/Let's Fluke!/Knowledge is useless, skill is useful!/What are points? Pointless!/And whatever the Housemates catchphrase is!"

"Let's meet our first contestant/our four to follow. Here they/he/she is/are : And Judy from Chichester/Brian from Portsmouth/John from Birmingham/Dave from Edinburgh. He/she is a student/cab driver/computer hacker/70s style erotic dancer. So, Judy/Brian/John/Dave, tell us about yourself. Is your profession interesting/amusing/entertaining/illegal?"

(The 'lucky' contestant waffles on selfishly about themselves for several minutes.)

"Let's have a round of applause for our contestants/four to follow!

Now, take a look at this picture. It's a whale/Andy the Cab driver/My mum making dinner/some men/Telecom tower/Me, your host, Tim Vine remember. Now here's the question:

What job does Andy's dad do, a deep-sea diver or a lorry driver?/What am I having for dinner tonight? Is it a)Salad b)Pasta c)Beans on toast or d)Cream crackers?/What type of explosive have I got strapped to my back? Dynamite or C4?/What does this CD case contain, a CD or a cream cracker?/How much money is this house worth?/Who is Tim Vine? is it a)Me b)A famous WW2 fighter pilot c)Terry Wogan or d)The Whitehall Mouse?"

(Cue several minutes of contestants deliberating on how to answer the ultimately pointless question. When they finally answer, incorrectly, Tim Vine, the host, inevitably takes the piss out of them via a funny 'joke'...)

"Do you actually know who Tim Vine is, Judy/Brian/John/Dave/Alan?"

(The confused contestant replies with a resounding "No/I pressed the wrong button" etc...)

"Ha Ha! Tim Vine is me, your host, Tim Vine! Remember?"

(His piss take is followed by a joke related to the question, such as this gem...)

"I worked as a deep-sea driver once. But the car filled with water! Ha Ha! No, that's not the joke. I meant to say that I worked as a deep-sea DIVER once. I couldn't stand the pressure."

(Silence. No matter what the joke was, the punchline couldn't stand the pressure.)

"Now time for our final round. What's the prize? A big surprise!/You could win 250 or even 500!/You could win a house!"
(Possibly. But no one knows the Housemates prize because no one ever watched Housemates.)

"Now Brian/Dave/Jim/Karen/Gary/Whatever your name is. Well done! You are one of our four to follow/the defending Duke of Fluke and you're still in! Now, do you know much about Films/Bridges in London/Inventions/Socks/Golf Tees or crayons that are sellotaped to my forearms/stomach?"

(The following question is going to be so impossibly difficult that the contestant is contractually obliged to say "no" or "not much.")

"Now the question is : Place these Bridges in the order that they are found along the Thames, East to West/Is the Number on My stomach odd or even?/How much do you think this house is worth? You've got 15 seconds, don't tell me until the time is up......Now, what is your answer?"

(The bemused contestant was so miffed by the question that they automatically get it wrong, and if that's not the case the question is fixed so they do get it wrong.)

"Ah, well, bad luck/nearly/better luck next time. Lets have a round of applause for our contestant anyway!"

(Cue applause)

"Let's see how many of you got that right......13 of you, giving you a whopping 19.23 each!"

(Gestures to man in front row of audience)

"So, Stefan, what are you going to do with your 19 ?"

(The embarassed audience member mutters something that no one hears properly, or cares about, except our host, Tim Vine. He probably says something about going down the pub.)

"You can buy a lot of drinks with that! That's all for tonight/today/this week on Whittle/Fluke/Housemates. See you tomorrow/next week/on some strange C5 program such as Night Fever what is presented by Suggs or some other minor British celebrity that no one abroad has ever heard of. Goodnight/Bye!"

(The long-awaited credits finally roll on. The words "And Whittle/Fluke/Housemates will be back tomorrow/next week/in the autumn for a new series and probably repeated at 5.30 in the morning on a saturday before the earliest news.")