The Fortean TV Page

This button (which doesn't exist) lets you hear my song about the Holy Grail. It's called the 'Holy Grail Song Button'. The song is called 'The Holy Grail Song', and I'll be accompanied by my good friend Alf.

The above link takes you back. It's called The Back Link.


"Hello and welcome to a special electronic edition of Fortean TV. I'm Father Lionel Fanthorpe and this week I'll probably be buried up to my neck in mud or sitting in an armchair in the middle of a puddle located in a junkyard or something. So join us as we skate on that thin crust known as reality as we:

  • meet a woman who can speak to cats
  • investigate the existance of fairies
  • and join Reg Presley as he finds out more about circles in the middle of corn fields.

As usual it's mostly made up lies invented by my good friend Moose."

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhhhhhhhhzzhzhzhzhzhzhzhzh again"

"Now many people claim to have seen fairies in their back gardens. Accelerator Jengold, however, believes she can actually speak to them. She was searching for fairies for over 10 years with no luck until last year when she sat and thought about it when, she claims, several fairies appeared. She tells her story exclusively to Fortean TV...."

(Strange woman talks about fairies for a record-breaking 11 minutes...)


"After the break we'll have some rubbish about some cats that can apparently talk....And Uri Geller is duped into almost wasting 1 million...."

(Ultimately more interesting adverts, hopefully including the Hank Marvin one, and, on a perfect TV viewing day, the Daz Doorstep one..)


"Welcome back to Fortean TV. In a few minutes, we'll be finding out about some women who got pregnant because they work at a supermarket...but first some insane bloke will be wasting our time telling us about mummification."

(Bloke, obviously affected by some sort of mental imbalance comes on, showing us his mummified cat and boasting about how one day he's going to mummify, or rip-off as it's known in most areas, several people in top professions such as lawyers for 20,000.)


"That's all from Fortean TV this week, but be sure to join us next week when we'll be investigating the disappearance of the mythical Holy Grail, the existance of mermaids, and a lying man who claims to be able to bring animals back from the dead. But I'll leave you now with a little song I've written about the Chupacabras. It's called - yes, you've guessed it - the Chupacabras song. And I'll be accompanied by my good friend Alf."

(Sings song which is quite obviously a rip-off of another well-known song, only with slightly different words.)