Tim Vine's Christmas Present: The Series

One of Tim Vine's little-known shows was a one-off Christmas special called "Tim Vine's Christmas Present" (or possibly "The Tim Vine Christmas Present"; nobody really knows, or cares for that matter). Because it did so well in the ratings (it got about two viewers, or something), Channel 5 decided to commission an entire series of the show. Hailed as a "comically out-of-seasonal comedy and guest show with Tim Vine", the whole thing was intended to be shown during July and August as a kind of weird joke. Only one episode was ever made, and due to the fact it was embarassingly bad, never actually got shown. Readers of the following script should note that it is completely made up, and Kirsty didn't ever say that her interview show is crap (simply because it isn't). However, the fight between Geoff Capes and Tim Vine did actually take place. Tim won.

Tim Vine's Christmas Present: The Series.

Episode One

Tim: Hello, and welcome to Tim Vine's Christmas Present, with me, your host, Tim Vine! Are you ready to unwrap?

Audience: Let's get unwrapping!

Tim: Are you sure?

Audience: It's the middle of summer, you fool!

Tim: Yes, but this is my new series, where Channel 5 decided that it could be Christmas every day! Let's take a look round my house... (points to picture of a "woolly wolf") I like this picture: it's a wolf in sheep's clothing!

Audience: (silence)

Tim: Well, let's welcome my first guest: It's Kirsty Young from 5 News!

Audience: (clapping and cheering)

Tim: Well, Kirsty, what do you want for Christmas?

Kirsty: It's the middle of summer, you fool!

Tim: Oh yeah, but Channel 5 decided to make a whole new series of my one-off Christmas special.

Kirsty: Yes, they gave me a crap interview show to do as well. I wouldn't mind, but they had about two already.

Tim: The idiots.

Kirsty: Yes.

Tim: You know, this bloke said to me, he said "Tim, are you an idiot?", and I said "No, I'm a pint of cream"

Audience: (silence)

Kirsty: (silence, but with some slight laughter either to please Tim, or because she was laughing at the crapness of the joke, and the fact it didn't make any sense)

Tim: Well, perhaps you'd better go and make some mince pies!

Kirsty: But it's the middle of summer, you fool!

(ad break)

Audience: (clapping and cheering)

Tim: Welcome to the second half of Tim Vine's Christmas Present The Series with me your host Tim Vine. Let's take a look at the presents under our Christmas tree.

Audience: But it's the middle of summer, you fool!

Tim: Oh yes, I see that Santa hasn't actually been yet. But - wait! - what's this in the fireplace?

(Santa's legs waving above the fireplace)

Tim: Let's get you out of there! (starts pulling at Santa's legs) No, he's not going to budge. We need... Geoff Capes!

Audience: (clapping and cheering)

Tim: Well, Geoff, what do you want for Christmas?

Geoff: Isn't it a bit early for that?

Tim: No, you're supposed to say...

Audience: It's the middle of summer, you fool!

Geoff: Oh. Well, can we just get Santa out of the chimney? I'm only appearing on this show because my agent thought it might be a good idea.

Tim: Well, oka....

(Kirsty walks on, with tray of mince pies)

Tim: Is it that time already? Geoff - will you stay for some mince pies?

Geoff: But it's the middle of summer.

Tim: You fool.

Geoff: Don't call me a fool.

(fight breaks out)

(closing credits scroll)

This month's circulation: